“Your profile looks like bad medicine. Bad medicine is what I need.”
Someone wrote this to my friend Roxanne.
What can we tell about this person?
1. Bon Jovi afficionado
2. Has the written cadence of the Fonz.
3. Not going to be getting a date anytime soon.
The third makes me sad. We will never know what Mr. Bad Medicine eats for dinner or what music he plays in his car. We will never know what kind of Mother’s Day card he sends to his mum.
*
Guy at Party: Are your breasts real?
Tessa: Huh? Yeah.
Guy at Party: Do you want to go shooting some time?
*
My friend Julie was dolled up for a date. Her beau of three months came to pick her up, said he was tired, and asked her if she was okay “hanging out” at his apartment. Now, to me and the planet, this seemed like a euphemism for some hot and steamy sex. Julie really wanted to go out before the hot and steamy sex, but she knew his life was hectic and so she agreed. Their date? She sat on the couch watching Futurama. He snored.
Now while this might be a serene date once the newness wears off, and this might even be intimate. But this wasn’t his first nap!
Although both may ultimately involve beds, the man needs to learn Dating Time does not equal Napping Time.
*
Ariel: It was so nice to meet you the other night. I’d like to see you again.
Tessa: Me too. I really had fun.
Ariel: Do you like movies?
Tessa: Sure.
Ariel: We can see a movie.
Tessa: I’d love to.
Ariel: I’ll bring over a DVD and we can watch it at your house.
Tessa: Huh?
*
Julie made her man roasted chicken and a plum pie. A chef whom is rarely cooked for—he relished every bite.
*
Adam hates trees. Well, not really so much as he hates hiking. He let me take him hiking up in Pt. Reyes where we proceeded to find a newly dead deer, body picked clean, head fully intact. The deer’s eyes were clear, as if they pleaded, “remember me.”
Adam is also not fond of camping. After the dead deer incident, we went camping in West Marin. We hiked, we cooked. After dark, we stood on our picnic table listening to something large chase and kill something small.
The next time we went camping, he brought a gun.
Just kidding.
But he went again, he loved me.
*
Bowling.
Just cuz.
I scored a 62. And another date, miraculously.
*
Margot’s love used to bring her a muffin every morning. If she were away, he’d tack the muffin (it was in a bag) on her front door so she’d find it when she returned from the gym.
We don’t call him muffin boy anymore.
*
Yummy rustic bread.
That’s all Joy can really remember about this romantic date at a restaurant near a lake, but she remembers the date was a marathon she didn’t want to end.
*
We went mini-golfing under the flames of LA. After a tie game, he beat me at every arcade game. We chose the meekest child to give our winning tickets to. Note to self: meek kids are cute, but they don’t say thank you. They are too stunned by giant adults leaning down and handing them the ticket equivalent of a stuffed teddy.
He made a picnic dinner—we shared cold salmon and pesto with a crisp sauvignon blanc. We chased the fire, we shared the stories of our year apart, and began to reconnect.
Reconnect.
*
There are good dates to be had.